Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Fox News Effect

I was kicking back this evening, listening to the ragtime music of Scott Joplin (it's my statement against musical fascists who think the final solution is elevator music), and from the vast, uncharted wastelands of the Internet (okay, it was only Ohio) the following email arrived in my inbox:

Turn off the terrible f-ing ragtime shit-for-music you wank!

This silver-tongued individual -- no doubt another new age colloidal silver victim with scarcely enough brain cells left to fit into a used container of Tic-Tacs -- was obviously referring to the ragtime music I have playing at my Michael teachings humor site, Michael Land. Okay, at first, for one terrifying minute, I worried that he was actually peeping in my window and had caught me in the act of -- well, you know -- watching The Fox News Channel.

For those of you who don't get cable news, Fox is a conservative media network whose motto once was, "We Report, You Decide." Although anyone with the intellectual capacity of a pet rock knew that the motto really meant: "We Report, You Try To Find The Truth Somewhere In The Continental Divide."

Actually, "Screw The Truth!" was the first Fox News slogan, but the ruling elite smartly sacked the idea, realizing it wasn't the best conservative position. Oddly enough, I've never been able to find the conservative position in the Kama Sutra or any smutty magazine. I guess it doesn't matter, though, since when you get into bed with a conservative politician, you're pretty much assured of getting screwed.

More recently, the preferred motto for Fox News is, "Fair and Balanced." Rumors circulating around the Internet, however, have prompted some people to suggest it should be: "To Scare and Imbalance," especially after Rupert Murdoch, the network's creator, was caught seeking surgical treatment to disguise what employees called a "cloven hoof."

The channel's ongoing propaganda about the middle class also came under fire recently after the live sacrifice of a registered Democrat reportedly occurred on one of their prime time shows. The program's producer claimed, "Yeah, the ratings were great that night, but man, the heart of that bleeding-heart liberal just gushed like a sentimental fool." And there was further scandal when an outraged viewer charged that the Fox News Live Stream was really just a golden shower designed to trickle down and short-circuit the TVs of progressives. But these rumors are still unverified.

I've often thought a better name for Fox should be The Fox Snooze Channel, since it broadcasts each day to over 3 million terminally unconscious viewers, all of whom sleep walk to the voting booths each election cycle and unconsciously vote for candidates the Snooze Channel officially endorses, such as George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, or Satan. If you snooze you lose, right? Sleep studies have confirmed, however, that most Fox News viewers aren't unconscious, per se, but their brain waves were definitely not good for surfing. In fact, their waves were more like ripples in a stagnant pond full of mosquito larvae.

Now before you click away from this blog totally disgusted by all of this Fox News talk, you must know that I am not a right-wing ideologue but a registered democrat and a true-blue liberal. Moreover, I'm a baby aborting, gun hating, minority loving, tree hugging, socialist supporting, Sarah Palin loathing, Obama adoring, lets give the country to the Mexicans kind of liberal that normally sends the anchors at Fox News into eyeball popping, teeth-gritting fits of split-pea spewing Linda Blair reenactments. Although I would never intentionally poke fun at the disabled or handicapped, and sincerely hope the anchors at Fox News get the help that they need.

So why would a peeping Tom ever catch me watching Fox News?

It's quite simply the most powerful colon cleanse I have ever discovered. And if removing impurities from your body is also a health goal, then you will be astounded by the miraculous ways that Fox can detoxify your system -- or in this case, defoxify. Fox News may not only be the most powerful name in news, but they also have the scoop on poop.

I know it sounds too good to be true, but Fox News gives you everything you need to get the job done right. Since we all know that like attracts like, the way this works is that the inherent evil in the Fox News programs miraculously leeches away any mutually attractive toxins in your body, and then you simply let Nature take its course. Watching the three prime time shows on Fox News are generally recommended for this kind of cleansing, since they have the combined bulking agent equivalent to an entire truckload of Metamucil.

Bill O'Reilly's show, The Rectal Itch Factor, really gets things moving for me. At the start of his show, I like how Bill always tells his audience: "The Spin Starts Here." I used to think he was referring to the spin cycle on his washing machine. In fact, his Maytag repairman once reported that his machine had a quirky right-wing tilt. Either way, it only takes 10 minutes of O'Reilly's show before my toenails start to sweat and I know I'm being cleansed of the lies, creative edits, and half-truths that thrive in the Fox News world. Like an inoculation that introduces a virus into my body and builds an immunity to it, Fox News both protects me from the evil in the world and also urges my colon to just let it go.

Sometimes we need additional help, though, and to my surprise, I noticed that among the products for sale at the Fox News site, such as T-shirts, mugs, lapel pins, and so on, you could also buy laxatives and enemas. The "Evil Doer" was a popular seller, but I was immediately attracted to their number-one selling enema, "The Prince of Darkness."

In the past, detoxing your body meant eliminating alcohol, saturated fats, sex with circus freaks, and anything else that made life worth living. And health seekers were frequently instructed to sweat for many hours in uncomfortable saunas so they could eliminate wastes from their bodies through perspiration. But with Fox News, the miracle of defecation is your easy chute to feeling rejuvenated in both mind and spirit. And this isn't your grandmother's castor oil. Fox News helps you make quick work of even the toughest jobs. Just turn on the Fox News Channel and you'll see results right away -- results that give immediate relief, results that keep giving relief until you change the channel.

Yes, the Fox News commentators may be full of shit, but now you can literally flush them down the toilet and improve your health at the same time. Spiritual guru, Deepak Chopra, is even writing a new book about this phenomenon called:

"The Fox News Effect: Fighting The Forces of Evil With Your Colon."

In a parallel universe somewhere, Adolf Hitler may be the struggling artist that he always hoped to be and WWll never happened. In that same universe, perhaps Fox News is there, too -- not as the feared stormtroopers of the media world, but as a damn fine leader in laxatives that provide gentle relief for the constipation problems of millions. Though, as it turns out, Fox News does a damn fine job of that already in either universe.

And to my silver tongued pundit from earlier who hates ragtime music and who probably works for Fox News as well, I hope you brought your scuba gear, my friend, because after bulking up with three hours of Fox News today, my hand is on the lever…


  1. Thanks for the hilarious send up of Faux. I loved it!

  2. Several lols with this post. I wish Deepak would write a book like that and take on fox.

  3. Give 'em hell, Dave! I quit watching Fox years ago and for many of the funny reasons you mention.

  4. Heh, we get it over here in NZ, and I watch it when I need to laugh, or let out pent out frustrations at Bill O'Reilly. Faux is right. heh