Friday, April 1, 2011

Other Kinds of Agreements

Along with mate agreements and the recently channeled ATE agreement, there are other interesting agreements that Michael students should learn about.

A personal favorite of mine is the SLEEP LATE agreement, which I've used throughout my lifetime in luxurious ways. Old sayings such as, "you're going to sleep your life away" or "you made your bed now lie in it" (usually delivered by nagging mothers), were beautiful affirmations to me that, to this day, I still take to heart. On the other hand, sayings like "lets sleep on it and talk about it in the morning" were always a disturbing paradox. While I was more than fine with the idea behind the sleeping part, the get-up-in-the-morning-to-talk-about-anything part was just cruel and unusual punishment. Sleeping is serious business, and anyone that doesn't let sleeping dogs lie, deserves a FIGURE EIGHT agreement on their nut-sack.

The HOME PLATE agreement is, of course, popular with hormonally deranged teenagers across the world, and more officially understood by mature adults as the agreement to "procreate." Although, if you are less mature and the before-mentioned teenagers are still involved, you could find yourself serving 5-to-10 years in a local state prison with a JAIL BAIT agreement. So keep Dirk Diggler in your pants, bub.

The BLIND DATE agreement is another common one, and a test of courage to all those intrepid souls who firmly believe that success on a blind date doesn't have to be a near death experience. Though, in my case, the illumination I generated from going into the light so many times on blind dates might explain why my dates tended to scurry away from me like cockroaches on a kitchen floor.

The FIRST RATE agreement is probably typified best by Mary Poppins, who was perfect in every way -- that stuck-up bitch. And the I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME F-ING WAIT agreement has been championed by most of modern society, and is the bane of all who found themselves stuck in traffic behind a line of cars so long that there appeared to be Roman chariots sitting in the front row.

Lesser known agreements include the SECTION EIGHT agreement, the PIECES OF EIGHT agreement, the SALAD PLATE agreement, or if you just want to wash your hands of the whole thing, there's always the CLEAN SLATE agreement.

But between you and me, with all of these agreements to choose from, let's just agree to disagree.

Additional Thoughts:

What do you call a warrior that uses condoms two-sizes too small?

What do you call it when a sage has nothing to say? CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT YOU'VE GONE DEAF.