Monday, March 28, 2011

The Oscar Madison/Felix Unger Polarity

Understanding astrology can be tricky. I'm a Libra and messy doesn't even begin to describe the calamitous cacophony of clutter that crowds my computer room in a continuous clash of creeping crud. On the other hand, my friend Shepherd Hoodwin is also a Libra, and if you visit his condo, you can't help but notice his obvious tidiness compulsion. He's so germ-free that when he invites you into his home, he asks: would you like coffee, tea, or Lysol disinfectant?

With a heavy-duty arsenal of cleaning products -- defoamers, degreasers, descalers, and every other deranged word that begins with D and cleans stuff -- Shepherd is a devout practitioner of the old proverb, Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, which now puts an omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe on his side. You can't get more cleaning power than that, folks!

In fact, after Shepherd has finished his lengthy sanitization process -- which can last from two days to the time it takes to travel several interstellar light years -- he has sent every known bacteria colony and microorganism back to the afterlife. At which point that portly, vertically challenged psychic from the movie, Poltergeist, arrives at his condo and seals the deal, proudly proclaiming: This House is Clean.

So here's my theory: perhaps the left side of the Libran scale is meant to be sloppy, and the right side is neurotically antiseptic. It's like the old tug-of-war between Oscar Madison and Felix Unger from the Odd Couple -- one side of the scale balances a bottle of Windex, and the other side balances a greasy pork sandwich that drips mustard on the couch. In Michael terms, it would be the Oscar Madison/Felix Unger polarity. Thus, Libras apparently share a duality of both clean and filthy at the same time -- or maybe if you're clean in this world, in a parallel Universe somewhere you're this horrid, foul matter that lives on a planet of sludge where raw sewage is the refreshment of choice and greasy pork sandwiches are considered the ultimate in gourmet food.

Either way, recalibrating the Libran scale might be the most hygienically appealing solution here, or you could just have a nine-thousand pound African Bull elephant crush the damn thing and end this discussion right now, since, in all honesty, that greasy pork sandwich is starting to look rather tasty. 

Additional Thoughts

Shepherd Hoodwin is a great Michael channel, but I've always thought he needed a cool slogan. You've all heard of Intel's ad - Intel Inside. What if Shepherd tattooed on his forehead, MICHAEL INSIDE?

It also makes me wonder what channels do if their essence decides to exit the incarnation early and a walk-in takes its place. Do they advertise to their customers: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT?

Top Ten Explanations For Crop Circles

10)  Just God playing connect the dots again.

9)  Mother Earth wanted a couple of really nice tattoos.

8)  The Aliens are fucking with us: crop circles are just an encrypted recipe for McDonald's secret sauce.

7)  They're handy coasters for the Jolly Green Giant's frosty beverages.

6)  Someone in heaven has a really bad cough.

5)  Jeb and Cooter are at it again with a rope and a couple planks.

4)  They're government funded dumb-people magnets.

3)  Bored extraterrestrial children are using the earth as a giant Etch-A-Sketch.

2)  They're the Satanic rituals of devil-worshipping field mice.

1)  Some people have WAY too much time on their hands.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

My First Post!


That's my life?