Monday, March 28, 2011

The Oscar Madison/Felix Unger Polarity

Understanding astrology can be tricky. I'm a Libra and messy doesn't even begin to describe the calamitous cacophony of clutter that crowds my computer room in a continuous clash of creeping crud. On the other hand, my friend Shepherd Hoodwin is also a Libra, and if you visit his condo, you can't help but notice his obvious tidiness compulsion. He's so germ-free that when he invites you into his home, he asks: would you like coffee, tea, or Lysol disinfectant?

With a heavy-duty arsenal of cleaning products -- defoamers, degreasers, descalers, and every other deranged word that begins with D and cleans stuff -- Shepherd is a devout practitioner of the old proverb, Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, which now puts an omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe on his side. You can't get more cleaning power than that, folks!

In fact, after Shepherd has finished his lengthy sanitization process -- which can last from two days to the time it takes to travel several interstellar light years -- he has sent every known bacteria colony and microorganism back to the afterlife. At which point that portly, vertically challenged psychic from the movie, Poltergeist, arrives at his condo and seals the deal, proudly proclaiming: This House is Clean.

So here's my theory: perhaps the left side of the Libran scale is meant to be sloppy, and the right side is neurotically antiseptic. It's like the old tug-of-war between Oscar Madison and Felix Unger from the Odd Couple -- one side of the scale balances a bottle of Windex, and the other side balances a greasy pork sandwich that drips mustard on the couch. In Michael terms, it would be the Oscar Madison/Felix Unger polarity. Thus, Libras apparently share a duality of both clean and filthy at the same time -- or maybe if you're clean in this world, in a parallel Universe somewhere you're this horrid, foul matter that lives on a planet of sludge where raw sewage is the refreshment of choice and greasy pork sandwiches are considered the ultimate in gourmet food.

Either way, recalibrating the Libran scale might be the most hygienically appealing solution here, or you could just have a nine-thousand pound African Bull elephant crush the damn thing and end this discussion right now, since, in all honesty, that greasy pork sandwich is starting to look rather tasty. 

Additional Thoughts

Shepherd Hoodwin is a great Michael channel, but I've always thought he needed a cool slogan. You've all heard of Intel's ad - Intel Inside. What if Shepherd tattooed on his forehead, MICHAEL INSIDE?

It also makes me wonder what channels do if their essence decides to exit the incarnation early and a walk-in takes its place. Do they advertise to their customers: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT?


  1. I prefer the sanitized side of Librans. After all, my guardian angel looks like a cross between Mr Clean and a genie.

    I live on the demented plane. It's called Nicaragua, where men piss in the streets and adolescents and churches set off mortars to celebrate the Prince of Peace, making it seem like a warzone.


  2. Michael Inside. That's funny!

  3. You cracked me up with this one.