Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Fox News Effect

I was kicking back this evening, listening to the ragtime music of Scott Joplin (it's my statement against musical fascists who think the final solution is elevator music), and from the vast, uncharted wastelands of the Internet (okay, it was only Ohio) the following email arrived in my inbox:

Turn off the terrible f-ing ragtime shit-for-music you wank!

This silver-tongued individual -- no doubt another new age colloidal silver victim with scarcely enough brain cells left to fit into a used container of Tic-Tacs -- was obviously referring to the ragtime music I have playing at my Michael teachings humor site, Michael Land. Okay, at first, for one terrifying minute, I worried that he was actually peeping in my window and had caught me in the act of -- well, you know -- watching The Fox News Channel.

For those of you who don't get cable news, Fox is a conservative media network whose motto once was, "We Report, You Decide." Although anyone with the intellectual capacity of a pet rock knew that the motto really meant: "We Report, You Try To Find The Truth Somewhere In The Continental Divide."

Actually, "Screw The Truth!" was the first Fox News slogan, but the ruling elite smartly sacked the idea, realizing it wasn't the best conservative position. Oddly enough, I've never been able to find the conservative position in the Kama Sutra or any smutty magazine. I guess it doesn't matter, though, since when you get into bed with a conservative politician, you're pretty much assured of getting screwed.

More recently, the preferred motto for Fox News is, "Fair and Balanced." Rumors circulating around the Internet, however, have prompted some people to suggest it should be: "To Scare and Imbalance," especially after Rupert Murdoch, the network's creator, was caught seeking surgical treatment to disguise what employees called a "cloven hoof."

The channel's ongoing propaganda about the middle class also came under fire recently after the live sacrifice of a registered Democrat reportedly occurred on one of their prime time shows. The program's producer claimed, "Yeah, the ratings were great that night, but man, the heart of that bleeding-heart liberal just gushed like a sentimental fool." And there was further scandal when an outraged viewer charged that the Fox News Live Stream was really just a golden shower designed to trickle down and short-circuit the TVs of progressives. But these rumors are still unverified.

I've often thought a better name for Fox should be The Fox Snooze Channel, since it broadcasts each day to over 3 million terminally unconscious viewers, all of whom sleep walk to the voting booths each election cycle and unconsciously vote for candidates the Snooze Channel officially endorses, such as George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, or Satan. If you snooze you lose, right? Sleep studies have confirmed, however, that most Fox News viewers aren't unconscious, per se, but their brain waves were definitely not good for surfing. In fact, their waves were more like ripples in a stagnant pond full of mosquito larvae.

Now before you click away from this blog totally disgusted by all of this Fox News talk, you must know that I am not a right-wing ideologue but a registered democrat and a true-blue liberal. Moreover, I'm a baby aborting, gun hating, minority loving, tree hugging, socialist supporting, Sarah Palin loathing, Obama adoring, lets give the country to the Mexicans kind of liberal that normally sends the anchors at Fox News into eyeball popping, teeth-gritting fits of split-pea spewing Linda Blair reenactments. Although I would never intentionally poke fun at the disabled or handicapped, and sincerely hope the anchors at Fox News get the help that they need.

So why would a peeping Tom ever catch me watching Fox News?

It's quite simply the most powerful colon cleanse I have ever discovered. And if removing impurities from your body is also a health goal, then you will be astounded by the miraculous ways that Fox can detoxify your system -- or in this case, defoxify. Fox News may not only be the most powerful name in news, but they also have the scoop on poop.

I know it sounds too good to be true, but Fox News gives you everything you need to get the job done right. Since we all know that like attracts like, the way this works is that the inherent evil in the Fox News programs miraculously leeches away any mutually attractive toxins in your body, and then you simply let Nature take its course. Watching the three prime time shows on Fox News are generally recommended for this kind of cleansing, since they have the combined bulking agent equivalent to an entire truckload of Metamucil.

Bill O'Reilly's show, The Rectal Itch Factor, really gets things moving for me. At the start of his show, I like how Bill always tells his audience: "The Spin Starts Here." I used to think he was referring to the spin cycle on his washing machine. In fact, his Maytag repairman once reported that his machine had a quirky right-wing tilt. Either way, it only takes 10 minutes of O'Reilly's show before my toenails start to sweat and I know I'm being cleansed of the lies, creative edits, and half-truths that thrive in the Fox News world. Like an inoculation that introduces a virus into my body and builds an immunity to it, Fox News both protects me from the evil in the world and also urges my colon to just let it go.

Sometimes we need additional help, though, and to my surprise, I noticed that among the products for sale at the Fox News site, such as T-shirts, mugs, lapel pins, and so on, you could also buy laxatives and enemas. The "Evil Doer" was a popular seller, but I was immediately attracted to their number-one selling enema, "The Prince of Darkness."

In the past, detoxing your body meant eliminating alcohol, saturated fats, sex with circus freaks, and anything else that made life worth living. And health seekers were frequently instructed to sweat for many hours in uncomfortable saunas so they could eliminate wastes from their bodies through perspiration. But with Fox News, the miracle of defecation is your easy chute to feeling rejuvenated in both mind and spirit. And this isn't your grandmother's castor oil. Fox News helps you make quick work of even the toughest jobs. Just turn on the Fox News Channel and you'll see results right away -- results that give immediate relief, results that keep giving relief until you change the channel.

Yes, the Fox News commentators may be full of shit, but now you can literally flush them down the toilet and improve your health at the same time. Spiritual guru, Deepak Chopra, is even writing a new book about this phenomenon called:

"The Fox News Effect: Fighting The Forces of Evil With Your Colon."

In a parallel universe somewhere, Adolf Hitler may be the struggling artist that he always hoped to be and WWll never happened. In that same universe, perhaps Fox News is there, too -- not as the feared stormtroopers of the media world, but as a damn fine leader in laxatives that provide gentle relief for the constipation problems of millions. Though, as it turns out, Fox News does a damn fine job of that already in either universe.

And to my silver tongued pundit from earlier who hates ragtime music and who probably works for Fox News as well, I hope you brought your scuba gear, my friend, because after bulking up with three hours of Fox News today, my hand is on the lever…

Friday, April 1, 2011

Other Kinds of Agreements

Along with mate agreements and the recently channeled ATE agreement, there are other interesting agreements that Michael students should learn about.

A personal favorite of mine is the SLEEP LATE agreement, which I've used throughout my lifetime in luxurious ways. Old sayings such as, "you're going to sleep your life away" or "you made your bed now lie in it" (usually delivered by nagging mothers), were beautiful affirmations to me that, to this day, I still take to heart. On the other hand, sayings like "lets sleep on it and talk about it in the morning" were always a disturbing paradox. While I was more than fine with the idea behind the sleeping part, the get-up-in-the-morning-to-talk-about-anything part was just cruel and unusual punishment. Sleeping is serious business, and anyone that doesn't let sleeping dogs lie, deserves a FIGURE EIGHT agreement on their nut-sack.

The HOME PLATE agreement is, of course, popular with hormonally deranged teenagers across the world, and more officially understood by mature adults as the agreement to "procreate." Although, if you are less mature and the before-mentioned teenagers are still involved, you could find yourself serving 5-to-10 years in a local state prison with a JAIL BAIT agreement. So keep Dirk Diggler in your pants, bub.

The BLIND DATE agreement is another common one, and a test of courage to all those intrepid souls who firmly believe that success on a blind date doesn't have to be a near death experience. Though, in my case, the illumination I generated from going into the light so many times on blind dates might explain why my dates tended to scurry away from me like cockroaches on a kitchen floor.

The FIRST RATE agreement is probably typified best by Mary Poppins, who was perfect in every way -- that stuck-up bitch. And the I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME F-ING WAIT agreement has been championed by most of modern society, and is the bane of all who found themselves stuck in traffic behind a line of cars so long that there appeared to be Roman chariots sitting in the front row.

Lesser known agreements include the SECTION EIGHT agreement, the PIECES OF EIGHT agreement, the SALAD PLATE agreement, or if you just want to wash your hands of the whole thing, there's always the CLEAN SLATE agreement.

But between you and me, with all of these agreements to choose from, let's just agree to disagree.

Additional Thoughts:

What do you call a warrior that uses condoms two-sizes too small?

What do you call it when a sage has nothing to say? CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT YOU'VE GONE DEAF.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Oscar Madison/Felix Unger Polarity

Understanding astrology can be tricky. I'm a Libra and messy doesn't even begin to describe the calamitous cacophony of clutter that crowds my computer room in a continuous clash of creeping crud. On the other hand, my friend Shepherd Hoodwin is also a Libra, and if you visit his condo, you can't help but notice his obvious tidiness compulsion. He's so germ-free that when he invites you into his home, he asks: would you like coffee, tea, or Lysol disinfectant?

With a heavy-duty arsenal of cleaning products -- defoamers, degreasers, descalers, and every other deranged word that begins with D and cleans stuff -- Shepherd is a devout practitioner of the old proverb, Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, which now puts an omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe on his side. You can't get more cleaning power than that, folks!

In fact, after Shepherd has finished his lengthy sanitization process -- which can last from two days to the time it takes to travel several interstellar light years -- he has sent every known bacteria colony and microorganism back to the afterlife. At which point that portly, vertically challenged psychic from the movie, Poltergeist, arrives at his condo and seals the deal, proudly proclaiming: This House is Clean.

So here's my theory: perhaps the left side of the Libran scale is meant to be sloppy, and the right side is neurotically antiseptic. It's like the old tug-of-war between Oscar Madison and Felix Unger from the Odd Couple -- one side of the scale balances a bottle of Windex, and the other side balances a greasy pork sandwich that drips mustard on the couch. In Michael terms, it would be the Oscar Madison/Felix Unger polarity. Thus, Libras apparently share a duality of both clean and filthy at the same time -- or maybe if you're clean in this world, in a parallel Universe somewhere you're this horrid, foul matter that lives on a planet of sludge where raw sewage is the refreshment of choice and greasy pork sandwiches are considered the ultimate in gourmet food.

Either way, recalibrating the Libran scale might be the most hygienically appealing solution here, or you could just have a nine-thousand pound African Bull elephant crush the damn thing and end this discussion right now, since, in all honesty, that greasy pork sandwich is starting to look rather tasty. 

Additional Thoughts

Shepherd Hoodwin is a great Michael channel, but I've always thought he needed a cool slogan. You've all heard of Intel's ad - Intel Inside. What if Shepherd tattooed on his forehead, MICHAEL INSIDE?

It also makes me wonder what channels do if their essence decides to exit the incarnation early and a walk-in takes its place. Do they advertise to their customers: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT?

Top Ten Explanations For Crop Circles

10)  Just God playing connect the dots again.

9)  Mother Earth wanted a couple of really nice tattoos.

8)  The Aliens are fucking with us: crop circles are just an encrypted recipe for McDonald's secret sauce.

7)  They're handy coasters for the Jolly Green Giant's frosty beverages.

6)  Someone in heaven has a really bad cough.

5)  Jeb and Cooter are at it again with a rope and a couple planks.

4)  They're government funded dumb-people magnets.

3)  Bored extraterrestrial children are using the earth as a giant Etch-A-Sketch.

2)  They're the Satanic rituals of devil-worshipping field mice.

1)  Some people have WAY too much time on their hands.

Thursday, March 24, 2011